Do you have difficulty saying “no”? Are you always trying to be nice to others at the expense of yourself? You like the "Mr. Nice Guy" feeling?
Well, you’re not alone. In the past, I was not good at saying “no”, because I didn’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings.
Everyone is too nice. We all are obsessed with trying to keep everyone happy, we have forgotten to look after number one. Look at these steps to find out when to say no.
For example, whenever I get requests for help, I would attend to them even though I had important work to do. Sometimes the requests would drag to 2-3 hours or even beyond. At the end of the day, I would forgo sleep to catch up on my work. This problem of not knowing how to say “no” also extended to people i have not even met before.
After a while, I realized all these times of not saying “no” (when I should) were not helping me at all. I was spending a lot of time and energy for other people and not spending nearly as much time for myself. It was frustrating especially since I brought it upon myself. I slowly realized if I wanted personal time, I needed to learn to say “no”.
Why We Find It Hard To Say “No”
To learn to say “No”, we have to first understand what’s resisting us about it. Below are common reasons why people find it hard to say no:
You want to help. You are a kind soul at heart. You don’t want to turn the person away and you want to help where possible, even if it may eat into your time.
Afraid of being rude. I was brought up under the notion that saying “No”, especially to people who are more senior, is rude. This thinking is common in Africa culture, where face-saving is important. Face-saving means not making others look bad (a.k.a losing face).
Wanting to be agreeable. You don’t want to alienate yourself from the group because you’re not in agreement. So you confirm to others’ requests.
Fear of conflict. You are afraid the person might be angry if you reject him/her. This might lead to an ugly confrontation. Even if there is not, there might be dissent created which might lead to negative consequences in the future.
Fear of lost opportunities. Perhaps you are worried saying no means closing doors. For example, a friend was asked to transfer to another department in his company by the man who got him the job but he liked his team where he is efficient and resourceful so he did not want to shift in department because he won't be effective there. However, he did not want to say no as he felt it would affect his relationship with his "job provider" who has the power to determine his promotion opportunities in the future. He got transfered and became the weak link in the department.
Not burning bridges. Some people take “no” as a sign of rejection. It might lead to bridges being burned and relationships severed just like my friend in the story in the previous paragraph.
If you nodded to any of the reasons, I’m with you. They applied to me at one point or another. However, in my experience dealing with people at work and in life, I realized these reasons are more misconceptions than anything. Saying “No” does not mean you are being rude; neither does it mean you are being disagreeable.
Saying “No” does not mean there will be conflict nor that you’ll lose opportunities in the future. And saying no most definitely does not mean you’re burning bridges. These are all false beliefs in our mind.
At the end of the day, it’s about how you say “no”, rather than the fact you’re saying no, that affects the outcome. After all, you have your own priorities and needs, just like everyone has his/her own needs. Saying no is about respecting and valuing your time and space. Say no is your prerogative. Saying no is your right and you have every justification to use it but first you must learn to say it humility....
